Trading codependency for self validation (which is an eternal well of joy)
plus some art I made
Hello,
It’s mid spooky season already and my mind is floating up with the flying leaves and I can’t seem to catch it! It’s just all over the place. I’m calling it creative chaos but also, “the earth is dying inside and outside me…help!”
I’ve been taking really good care of myself lately. (read that again self!) Giving myself lots of tools to feel good in my body, access my emotions, access my creative spirit and practice skills for regulation. I have been drawing mini comics which surface around hard and joyful memories or experiences. But as an adhd’er I never seem to find the motivation to bring them into a more complete state! [#notyet #later]
I’m currently starting the beautifully long trek up the memoir writing mountain! [#startingthingsismyfavouritething]I shall name this mountain Finding Self and look forward to bringing others along for the journey. I took a memoir writing course recently called, Dirty Messy Alive hosted by Janelle Hardy. I loved it so much I ended up purchasing the lifetime viewing. I might share some of the exercises #someday but that was then. What is now? (can you pick up on the chaotic energy?)
Way’s I’ve been caring for myself this month:
Taking myself on a creative retreat for two nights
Starting my book by writing timelines (emotional work!)
Setting up a body-doubling situation with a friend…mutually beneficial
Going to the gym semi-regularly
Letting myself play with fiber materials gathered before the snow falls
Arranging IN PERSON friend gatherings (OMG I know)
Meeting with my parts, journaling, crying etc…
Setting up internal emotional boundaries so I don’t spill out everywhere I go!
Reading a bunch of stuff on attachment injuries - ouch!
Relaxing with my family
Watching Killing Eve (I love it)
Eating and drinking
Getting enough sleep etc…
How are you caring for yourself while the wind of death circles around? October is a month of death. We all know it. We see it quite literally as the leaves fall. Are we able to let things die internally as well? How are we caring for ourself in the grief cycle?
We can’t live without grieving things, though we may try.
I’ve been letting go of hinging my self-worth on others over the last six+ months. It’s been an internal death experience that has been absolutely terrifying. I’m not joking when I say I thought I was going to die. This is common for those with insecure attachments (which tbh is a lot of us).
As a child, if we did not have an attachment figure (no matter how dysfunctional) we would die! Letting go of that dysfunctional attachment style does feel like the threat of death…because it once was that risky. But now it’s not risky. It’s actually quite safe. But convincing my terrified inner child was a whole different story. It took daily intervention for months and months. And continues to this day, though it is getting easier. (Crowd cheers)
I am offering myself a daily gift of self-compassion and acceptance. The impulse to place my self-worth in someone else’s hands is highly tempting (patriarchy I’m looking at you) and I’m far from figured out. But learning that what I can offer myself in terms of love, curiosity, compassion, creative, psychic energy, far supersedes what anyone could ever give me. Thank you Audre Lorde for giving a fucking amazing speech all about the power of the erotic, one of the most important essays of the 20th century.
Ya’ll, I’m not sure if you’ve picked up on the fucking amazing autistic people shining in the world right now? Have you noticed how few fucks they give to what others think? How little they care about pats on the back or big pay cheque’s?
Folks, I know autie’s get placed on a pedestal when we start mentioning the famous ones. But please let me point something out. Greta isn’t famous because she wants fame and glory. She is world-renowned because she wants a future for all. Hannah Gadsby, an autistic, lesbian comedian isn’t famous because that was her dream. She is world famous because she wants people like herself to exist in the world without wanting to die. Alok Vaid-Menon, who may or may not be autistic is speaking around the world not because they want the prestige of fame but because as a Trans person, they want to walk down the street and not be given death stares and online threats. They want to be celebrated not feared. They want the binary of male and female to be a thing of the past so that we might all embrace the fluid, multi-expressive creative, erotic power within us.
Have you also noticed the artists of Gen Z not really giving many fucks about prestige and fame? Check out singer-songwriter Leith Ross, who left Toronto for Winnipeg! Usually not the move an up and coming artist makes.
People want to live without chains. They want a post-capitalist, post-patriarchal world for their children. They want a post-colonial, post-industrial, war-monger world to exist. People want healing both within and outside. But for that to take place, grief and death must occur. The old must die.
I am writing a book. It’s on the down-low. This is how I want to show up in the world and for my children. I want to share with them the parts of me that were not living or wanting to live and how they came back to life. I want to have the audacity to love the things the world says are not loveable in myself and others. I want to celebrate the rich tapestry of existence within myself rather than steal fruit from someone else. This is the journey I’m taking. It’s exciting, painful and liberating all at the same time.
Let’s alchemize our pain and turn it into gold.
Listening & Reading
Divergent Conversations, S4 E128 Do Autistic People Want Social Connection?
Letting Go of Good, Dispel the Myth of Goodness to Find Your Genuine Self