redefining social contracts

change hurts like hell but it’s the only way to grow

Forest Fire, Monoprint, 2023

I’m eighteen years a mother this year. I appreciate Toi Smith’s take on the “special day” being a gaslighting event by corporations. Really, it’s only a day to sooth the neglectful systems who disregard and punish mothers across the board.

I’ve dedicated a lot of my art and writing to mothers over the years and I still feel like I’ve barely touched the surface. Hmmm, could that be because I am a mother and have very limited time to process the unravelling of my own identity?

If you’re in the mood and have capacity to access your own rage and tears about mothering through artists who have made and been given time privileges (among others) to process their own wreckage and share it with us, watch or read these incredible narratives.

Granted, most of the main characters in these films and mini-series’ are from white, middle-class backgrounds.

Nightbitch (2024), based on the novel, Nightbitch (2021) by Rachel Yoder

Maid (2021), based on Stephanie Land's memoir Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother's Will to Survive (2019)

The Lost Daughter (2021) based on the Italian novel, La Figlia Oscura by Elena Ferrante in 2006

Little Fires Everywhere (2020) based on the novel, Little Fires Everywhere (2017) by Celeste Ng

Good Girls (2018-2021) miniseries created by Jenna Bans

---

There is an ache in people to access a different way. A road less travelled. I hear it everywhere. Women are leaving their marriages. Women are leaving their dysfunctional parent relationships. They are leaving hetero, neuro-normativity. They are putting down the masks and leaving the facade of straightness, abled-ness, performative existences. But leaving can be a huge privilege. It often needs to get pretty awful before we ever entertain the thought of doing life differently.

Let’s be honest.

Most of us don’t leave. We make adjustments. We find a way to carve out a life amidst the obligations and demands placed on us. Let’s also be honest about the demands. It’s not that leaving removes those demands. Leaving just frees up the heart to feel something other than obligation. It gives breathing room and space to think, feel and become someone more authentically us.

Taking Space for change

Birth, Ink on paper

Leaving the job, the marriage, and the various identities we put on ourselves is a physical act. Even though it begins in the hidden crevices of our heart, when it bubbles up loud enough it must be physical. When a relationship (which includes us in it) becomes detrimental to our health, physical change needs to occur. I can’t express this enough. Change hurts like hell. But it’s the only way to emerge into something and someone new. Imagine a chrysalis. Does she carry around her old carcass and home after she has flown out as a butterfly?

For a lot of women who do leave, they notice immediate relief and inner calmness. They see how much they were carrying and how exhausted they were. You can’t see that when you are in the rhythm of toleration.

At the same time, for some of us, coming back is an option. Coming back on different terms. Not to the old chrysalis. Not to the plants and leaves we used to eat as a caterpillar. We are now ravenous for different food. Different lifestyles and different appearances.

And this is for everyone. Not just the ones doing the leaving. When someone in the relationship disrupts the status quo, they are actually giving everyone a chance at becoming someone new.

What do “different terms” look like?

Growing, Monoprint (1of3) 2023

I’m still learning what that means. I would love to hear from you what your “different terms” have been.

Here are a few emerging ideas:

• Existing separately for the time it takes to individuate (loaded phrase)

• Communicating boundaries and saying “no” to establish your separateness.

• Respecting someone else’s boundaries and taking them very seriously.

• Actively participating in repair work. This looks like therapy, meditation, apology, forgiveness, grace, give and take, practice.

• Getting comfortable with change (this is super difficult for human brains)

• Expanding your circle of connection and care and redefining relationship agreements. Agreements like, “mother”, “daughter”, “friend”, “life partner”, “lover” are all social constructs that need to be re-negotiated and re-defined as we evolve and change as humans.

Change is the only constant in life. — Heraclitus, Greek philosopher

I have recently been exposed to the concept of relationship anarchy. This is the heart of expansive love rather than limited, stagnant love. It can look a multitude of ways!

If you are interested to learn more about this radical approach that you are likely already implementing, read the Relationship Anarchist Manifesto by Andy Nordgren.

Sending you love and light through the storm of life.