ghosts are my chorus

journal pages from march

When I draw in my journal there is no goal or motive. I draw out of a feeling. Sometimes the feeling comes from a memory. Sometimes the feeling only wants words and colour. Sometimes it comes with abstractions. Often the feelings are repeated, like a chorus that a choir continually returns to.

Ghosts are my chorus.

Ghosts have been returning to me for a few years now. With each season, they come with a new meaning. Sometimes they represent my ancestors. Sometimes they represent liminality and transitions. Sometimes they represent invisible truth or the afterlife. This latest sketch has a few sad eyes and many “baby” ghosts inside larger ghosts. There are more jagged lines. I wonder if I’m starting to sense more differentiation between my selves. I’ve been learning a lot about enmeshment and what it feels like to become separate. Anyone reading an Internal Family Systems enthusiast? It could also be hinting at new things coming.

I have a strong memory from the night after my brother died. We were sleeping on the floor. My parents and myself. I’m not sure if my sister was there. I was six years old. I remember everyone crying. Did we get any sleep that night? This sketch captures the feeling of being a baby in an adult sized body. I needed a tight blanket with lacing to keep me from floating off into a million pieces. It’s also interesting that my parents are stiff and unresponsive. No gestures to hold me or comfort me.

I wonder what that night was actually like?

Do you have a sketch book or journal? Do you ever try to access your unconscious through colour, line, or symbol? Do you ever draw without a plan or purpose? Do you have reoccurring symbols and motifs that come back like a chorus? What if you took your sketches and placed them into a book and wrote a story that helped connect the dots! Or maybe they just live, tucked inside your journal for years to come. There are so many ways to pull from these portals. They could become larger paintings. They could be scanned and sketched in procreate. They could become a zine or a storyboard for a stop motion. The potential is endless. But for now, I’m really happy to just get something on the page at all.

Stay loose and intuitively guided my friends.