contradictions

burning the good girl script

A good friend shared a video this week from Prentis Hemphill reminding us all that breathing will only serve how we move through the day. “Breathe with me. Give the contradictions room to be what they are, to learn from them and act, imperfectly, but thoughtfully, in this wild and heartbreaking world.” So I took a breath with my friend, through asynchronous video messaging and it was so good. Big exhale.

Later in the week I listened to Alok speak about contradictions. Reminded by my sister later that day of their words, I took note. “Why would we wanna be perfect? Then we wouldn’t need each other.” Then Hannah Gadsby’s words came into view, “Everyday with a stranger is a like a tiny gender reveal party for me.”

Can you feel what I’m feeling? This overwhelming sense that I don’t really know myself and when I meet you, I wonder who you think I am. And when I do something out of the ordinary, I’m curious…is this who I am? Am I surprising you as much as I surprise myself?

I’ve been forty five for about four months now. I’ve been feeling a lot of new things emerge. Things I didn’t know I liked. Things I didn’t know I didn’t like. Going through a grief cycle is like that. Old things die and new things are born. But these new selves are babies and they don’t know a lot. They are trying new foods. They are trying new activities. They are crawling and falling and making a lot of mistakes along the way. It’s humbling and refreshing to be in this place of self-discovery.

Lately I’ve been reversing my usual script by listening to my authentic self. Things I would say “yes” to are now “no”. Things I would say “no” to are a “yes”. And then I sit back. I observe. What does this feel like? What is this feeling? This being in my actual self rather than in a “should” self? It’s mesmerizing. It’s not depression. It’s not shame or judgement. It’s not guilt or exhaustion. It’s curiosity, wonder, relaxation and playfulness.

Today, while making my breakfast a song started playing in my head. It was Chihiro by Billie Eilish. I looked up the music video and sat and watched while eating my breakfast. Three-quarters in, I broke down into tears and couldn’t finish my food. I couldn’t stop crying (much to my teen’s surprise). The imagery of Billie running away from this man. Running and running and him chasing her and then pulling her down. Them rolling on the ground. The question of who’s in control? Who’s hurting who? Who am I? The opening of the video is Billie walking down long corridors of open doors. She walks past each door and slams it shut. Watch for yourself.

When an artist releases something into the world it no longer belongs to them. The spoken or sung words, the choreographed scenes, the guitar riffs, the combinations and layering of image, sound, memory, present moment, surrounding people, political landscape, age, feeling. All these colliding realities create something completely new and different in each person.

Here I am. Experiencing my own falling into pieces. My own running down corridors and slamming doors shut. My own chaotic confusion of, “Who am I?”

Lorelai, from Gilmore Girls, Season 7 Ep. 3, The Pop-tart Speech now a mother of a twenty-one year old, is realizing she has lived her whole life to rebel against her mother. She doesn’t know if what she likes is because her mother would disapprove or if she really does like it. Romantic partners, food, career, and on and on. Big, big areas within her life are brought into question. Not that we all get a choice in how our life turns out, the areas we do have choice start to become a little fuzzy. Can we become more fully ourselves within old, reactionary patterns? It feels a bit like a contradiction doesn’t it.

Facing my real self has been disarming and unsettling. The person I thought I was, the masked, marionette version of myself stopped working many years ago. She kept forgetting her lines, she got exhausted and just flopped to the ground. She stopped performing and suddenly all her friends started to wonder what was going on?

Have you lost friends after you discovered your unmasked self? Have you lost romantic partner, family connections, jobs? At what point did you realize it was more important to be true to yourself than live up to someone else’s expectations? At what point was it too painful to live a false or half truth?